Sunrise

4:00 a.m. I find myself sitting up, my body tense, adrenaline pumping. The nightmare fades away slowly from memory, and I realize that it's happened again.

I'm reading 4:00 a.m. on my alarm clock, for the fourth night in a row.

Disgusted with myself. I drop onto my pillow and try to force sleep.

Doesn't work.

I retrieve my mp3 player from the floor and adjust my pink headphones.

5:00 and the crooning of John McDermott hasn't gotten me anywhere. I shut the player off before Danny Boy comes around one more time.

The clock ticks on at a crawl. 5:05:55, 5:05:56, 5:05:57.

My mind is flooded with thoughts. Plans, aspirations, to do lists, fears, worries, hurts. Tears trace down my cheeks.

6:00 I'm standing in the kitchen with my cup of coffee. Watching something, under normal circumstances, I would never have seen.

The sunrise.

Warm, creamy, swirling away the weary darkness of night, and holding out the joy of day.

Splashes of light, painted by the Father of light. He who is light. A brief foretaste of what a life of eternal brightness will be.

It almost makes the exhaustion worth it.

The realization of a truth comes like a beam of sunlight. Someday, the long night of life will swirl away in an even more glorious brightness. Awed by the splendor, I hear my favorite verse repeating over and over in my mind.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"

Fine Print: The pictures are not mine. But I thank the talented photographers who captured them.

Multitudes

I know I already posted today, but I have to put down some of the things that I am so thankful for this week. Things that have made me smile, and been a blessing.

10. Friends, friends that you can just talk to and that will listen, no matter how crazy you can be.

11. Hershey's caramel syrup. It brings iced coffee to a whole new level. : )

12. Music. What would I do without music????

13. Song lyrics. Words that encourage, and lighten the load. Words that bring worship back into focus.

14. Tripping over my sister's suitcase in my office every morning. I guess she attempts to move in every night.

15. Journals.

16. Computers. They can make life so much less complicated. Other times they can only make them more so.

17. Early morning and late night times of quiet and thought.

18. My family, both close and extended.

19. abundant production from our garden.

20. Spray Paint. (For my furniture) : )

21. The Hidden Hand.

22. Comments. : ) : ) (Hint.... hint... hint)

23. Words from scripture that just seem to speak

directly to me.

Blur

Sometime my perspective gets blurry. All I can see is what I want, what I aspire to be, what I'll achieve.

My eyes become dazzled with all this world offers, it's saltwater drops of happiness. I don't see the dark clouds behind that salty rain.

Being comfortable, making money, being liked. Those are the things that are dangled before me, enticing me onward.

Possessions, amusements, and unreality calls for me to follow.

All I see are the droplets before me. I am lulled into believing that they will quench my thirst.

But salt water never will, never can quench it. It only makes me long for more.

So I follow. Deeper and deeper into self love and self gratification, without admitting that I'm worshiping me.

All I can see is the blur, everything is out of focus. I no longer see reality. I get wrapped up in chasing raindrops. I never notice the mud splashing up onto me.

Behind me, lost in the mist, stands the Water of Life. With open arms He offers all the true fulfillment, all the true happiness, all the true love I could ever need.

But my eyes are blurred. I cannot see Him.

I've got to turn, to wipe my eyes, to run as hard and as fast as I can from the slippery, tempting puddles. I've got to cling to Him, to beg Him to be my all in all . I've got to stare hard and straight into His eyes. Letting Him keep mine in focus. I must never look back at the rain.

"Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water." - John 4:10

1John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

Fine Print: Pictures are not my own. This post is part of a series of "Outtakes" snapshots from real life.

I'm a Procrastinator

A very bad procrastinator.

Ya'll are shocked right?

I'm generally considered a hard worker. I do what needs done, and, more often than not, get it done before my deadline.

But the well kept secret in my life is -

That I wait until the very last-est moment to do it.

If I don't want to it. It can wait. : / Take right now for instance. You see, I have a deadline coming up. A children's writing assignment. 500 words, nonfiction, subject of my choice, age level of my choice, choice of a prospective children's magazine to pitch it to.

I don't want to do it. I don't know why, it's the only project thus far that I get to choose everything but the word limit and the genre. But I still don't want to do it.

Yesterday I did everything but research for it. I cleaned, I made myself a schedule, I printed castles onto vintage book pages (must show you soon). My procrastination carried over to today. It's only 8:48 this morning and I've already put off my research repeatedly.

I put it off when I gathered my breakfast of steaming coffee, and a cinnamon muffin. Then delicately swirled Nutella onto the latter. I'm putting it off right now as I write. And, don't you think I ought to write in my journal, put together an inspiring soundtrack, and dress in my best imitation of Beatrix Potter before I pull out my research material?

Alright, I've written myself into a repentant attitude. I'm off to work.

-After I refill my coffee cup.

"Never put off until tomorrow what you could do today" -Thomas Jefferson.

Note - If you too are a procrastinator, check out this book. It may make you think twice about putting off. I should read it again - soon.

Fine Print: Picture not my own. This post is part three in a series of posts featuring "outtakes" from real life. Things you wouldn't normally admit on your blog.

Superbia Meam

or - My Pride.

I was feeling pretty good about myself today. I had received several compliments about my work. I had over-viewed all that I had accomplished the day before. I felt like I was the best gardener, worker, writer... since time began. :/

Of course, I never said all that. But, subconsciously, I thought it.

I was painting a door. And attempting to do my very best job at painting that door. I was going to prove just how good a painter I could be.

Then it happened.

Things started to go wrong. Nothing big and dreadful happened. Just little things. Some of my paint streaked, I missed several

runs, I painted over a cat hair which left a squiggly line on the smoothness, I got the rim of my can dirty, which meant that the handle of my brush got sticky, which meant that the wet paint transferred right into my palm...

I dripped on the doorknob, and then wiped the paint off onto my jeans, I knelt down to paint the bottom of the door, and, when I stood up, there on the white tile, was the smears of paint from my jeans. Dry now, and smudged.

The paint itself turned against me. It was too green, making the door look like the "Green Forest" crayon out of the Crayola crayon box. Plus it was way too thin, meaning that I had to do coat after coat after coat.

A job that should have taken only 2 hours, took me over four. And by the end of it I was frustrated. Very frustrated. My job looked like an amateurs (which in reality it was) and my pride had undergone the most horrible beating.

The icing on the cake came when I had finished washing out my brush. I reached for my glass of water that sat on the washer right beside my freshly painted door. And saw it.

The washer had tiny, green, polka-dot paint splatters.

ALL OVER IT.

Moral of the story. Don't get proud about your accomplishments. You may find that you aren't as accomplished as you think. If however, you do fall due to pride, call me, I now know the best way to get paint off of a washer.

Amanda

- The Fine Print: Paintbrush image not my own. This post was written as part of a project to see if I could write an entire post without making a million drafts of it or editing it to death, can ya'll tell? This post was also written as part of a blog link series of true to life "outtakes" from my life

Reality

I've written three posts in the last three days. But I never could decided if they were blog worthy, so they shall reside in my stock blog post box for emergencies! : )

Today, you get to see the real me. Yep. Me. Part of the reason this blog was created was to share with my friends and family the real me. The good, the bad, the ugly.

Are you still reading, or did I scare you away?

I've been having some hard times recently. Losing one of your nearest and dearest of friends so unexpectedly hurts. Hurt doesn't even seem to half explain the feeling.

There have been times, many, many times, when my faith disintegrates, and I ask over and over again "why God?", "why me?", "why Now?" "why?".

There are times that I slump into feeling sorry for myself. When my focus is only on me and how smashed my life seems.

And then there are times that I bolster up myself and paint a smile on my face. I talk to person after person as if everything is okay, that I'm doing well. Yet, all the while I'm wishing I could put on my sunglasses to hide the tears in my eyes.

Do you see the problem with all of these? All I am seeing is myself, my hurt, my pride.

It's good to grieve. I know . But there is a point where I must turn away from all the pain and grief and cling to Christ. Last Sunday, our pastor was preaching on the woman with the issue of blood from Luke 8. Of how her life was wrecked, wearisome, hardly worth living. But how, in her desperation, she battled her way close to Jesus and grabbed the edge of his outer garment. All her faith was upon that one brief touch. And because of her faith, she was healed.

He went on to say that we must let go of our doubts, our fears, our grief, and clutch at Christ. He is the rock, He will never move, never fail us. And He promises to carry, comfort, and heal us.

These words have comforted me over and over today. I can see in my minds eye the picture of that woman moving through the crowd. Her reaching forwards with all her strength, just to touch Him. That was faith. Am I reaching towards Him. Straining every muscle to catch hold and cling to Him?

It's only in His arms, (which are always open) that I will find the strength I need.

This post has run long but I'd like to take my liberty as the author to go a little longer. I recently ran across the Multitudes on Mondays- "one thousand gifts" link up. Where, every Monday, you list some of the thing you are thankful for. Here are just a few of the things, I am grateful for today.

1. Christ's unending love.

2. The sun rising later in the mornings, and earlier in the evenings, giving me more opportunities to see the sunrises and sunsets.

3. The cool crisp hint of fall in the air today.

4. Two silly little kitties, keeping us very much amused.

5. Iced coffee, It's not an essential to life, but life wouldn't be quite as nice without it.

6. 26 Quart jars of freshly canned spaghetti sauce, and...

7. 17 bags of fresh salsa, all done up today.

8. Several cans of fresh, new paint just waiting to be opened and dipped into tomorrow.

9. Books.... : )

Until later,

Amanda

Fine print: flower picture, and books picture are not my own. The spaghetti sauce one is, but then, you probably already knew that by the quality of the picture.

On the internet - and it's proper use

I've been unplugged from the internet for nearly 6 entire days.

It's been awful.

I guess, the proper thing to write now would be this : "This absence from the internet has shown me how dependent I am upon it. How wrapped up in the fantasy world of cyberspace I am. How a return to normal life and simpler things would be beneficial to everyone. Indeed we should all take a periodical 3 week break from the internet..."

But I'm not going to write the proper thing here. : ) I did make a discovery this week. Yes, perhaps I shouldn't get so wrapped up in the fantasy world of the internet, but there are actually good things about it. Things to be grateful for. Do you know what I found myself missing? All the little smiles the internet would bring me through my days.

The pretty pictures. The emails from my dear family and friend. The inspiring, edifying, and sometimes just fun blog posts I would have read. The new ideas. The possibilities for future endeavor. Listening to Librivox.

I missed taking those 2 min snatches and reading a thought provoking post. I missed re-reading an email, and thinking up how to respond to it. I missed writing here.

And I'm so happy to be back. : )

I'm looking forwards to all the little smiles throughout the day. And to talking more with you all.

Until later

~Amanda

Impatiently wishing for Patience

Nope, yesterday didn't go well at all. Seems I'm more allergic to beans than I thought. :/

You know you are sick when you can't figure out why it's so hard to get the ginger-ale through your straw only to look down and see this.

Sigh.

But anyhow, I think I'm feeling better today. I hope. These last few weeks seem to have been especially, Providentially planned to make me rest. I'm a work-non-stop-to-run-away-from-your-problems kind of person. Not the best approach to life, I do know. My "To Do" list was a mile long for this week and I've only done half of one of the items. When you are doped up on Benadryl you can't do a whole lot of work. : )

So I'm trying to learn patience. And as I'm working at it I have found it all through the scriptures. For instance, imagine how Caleb and Joshua must have felt as they wandered around for forty years, waiting for the last of the old generation to die off. They certainly didn't "deserve" to have to "waste" 40 years of their life, just because the others had sinned. Knowing how eager they were for the land, I can only imagine how their hearts longed for their promise, their inheritance.

Years later, time and time again, Israelite's would have to eagerly wait for delivery from captivity. They knew God's promise of redemption, but they were forced to wait. To trust.

For now I'm waiting. Waiting to feel great, waiting to return to some sort of normalcy. I can trust. So far God hasn't asked me to wait for 40 years. : )

"Rest in the Lord and wait Patiently for Him..." Ps. 37:7

The Forward

First posts always intimidate me. What are you supposed to write about?

First off, the title. : ) Believe it or not abibliophobia is a word, (wiki says so :), and there are such people as abibliophobiacs. They are rarely seen it's true, generally because they are hidden behind a stack of books. I am one, and I come by it honestly, many of my relations are too. Just drive past a bookstore with one of us and you'll see.

Secondly, the "why" of this blog: Why? Just because. I like blogging, I didn't realize how much I liked it until I quit blogging. I'm not a terribly vocal person, I have a hard time being coherent when I do talk. But writing is something I'm slightly better at. I like to write, love to write. And I like to communicate with my family and friends through writing, here is where I'll do that.

Lastly, what will I be writing about? Anything and everything. Since I'm an eclectic individual, y'all will have to put up with an eclectic collection of material. There will be long drawn out rhapsodies on my favorite books, brief accounts of the ups and downs of writing, ramblings about every day life, squeals of delight over favorite things, and in general just the thoughts I am thinking.

In short, the material will vary, If I happen to bore you one day, hang on, the next day may be better.