Two years ago today: I was 19 and older than my age. I was making rough sketches on scrap paper of an immense garden. 10 20 x 5 garden beds were waiting for me to plant and I was facing a summer of infinite weeds, while trying to grow enough vegetables for a big family. Ebay and I were very close friends then as I sold item after item. Days were long and I was tired, but life was happy and invariable. I wrote a little here and there, I was busy with church, and friends. My life plans were to someday get married and have my own home with my own weedy garden and my own children to school. One year ago today: My idyllic life had blown away into a million and one pieces. My job, my friends, my plans were in shards. I moved out and set up house in a little town home with my aunt. I was working part time for a lawyer and trying to get my head back together. I didn't know where I was going, or what to do, or even if I wanted to do or go anywhere. I just wanted to sleep.
When a butterfly is sheltered in it's chrysalis it grows and expands. Cells split and change as it sleeps. The butterfly is fast asleep and clueless, until one day the urge to escape his wrappings is too strong to ignore. Ripping through his prison is painful and exhausting. He doesn't know why but its hard to reach the sunlight.
In my sleep I had no idea I was changing, I was too tired to notice that slowly but surely the old me had dissolved and a new me was forming.
Then one day something snapped. Something tore and I struggled to get to the air. The pain involved as I ripped myself away from everything familiar was incredible. Friends fell away, family was left confused.
I was left exhausted, and more confused than anyone. The overly mature, shy, conservative homesteader with a fondness for crochet and classical music was not the creature left laying on the ground in the sunlight. Instead it was some weird, awkward, indecisive, crazy thing. A creature who suddenly liked converse shoes, Bruno Mars, action movies, socialization, eye shadow, and riding with her windows down and music throbbing.
Umm... okay.... little help here. Where did I go? Who's this? What am I supposed to do with it?
Honestly? I've seen life blow into shards once before. Over-thinking, rigidly adhering to a perfect checklist for life, it's not really worth the effort exhausted in it. There's only really one important thing in life. Love. The infinite divine and altogether incomprehensible relationship between me and the One who created me. And the relationship between me and the creatures he created. Everything else is extra, anything added is too much.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong in being a crochet loving country girl who wants nothing more than a comfy homestead and 7 children. Neither is there anything wrong with her polar opposite a New York hipster toting a stack of books and a cup of juice on her way to her next class. I'm neither of those girls anymore.
The past three months have been me trying to figure out who this new creature is. I kinda feel like the doctor after he reginerates, its the old me inside but I still have to figure out what the new me likes. I've changed so much, some things of the past are just going to have to go. Like this blog. I've grown out of it. So I'm starting a new one, if you'd like to visit it, it's right here. I'll be hopefully figuring out this new me over there.
Come see me?
Fine Print: Images not mine.
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